Tag Archives: spirituality

I am not who I was

Standard

looking in the mirror, I don’t see me.

Yes, I recognise the gold eyes, that scar from a dog’s bite, the constellation of moles each of my babies traced while nursing…but I can’t find me. because I am not who I was before.

I’d avoided holding up a mirror to my inside self, thinking that time would heal ( let’s eradicate that myth please) that I would get better – return. but, no. The reflection has changed and I cannot yet come to grips with it. I don’t want to know this person. how can this be me?

I am changed: maybe for an unknown length of time, maybe forever. It feels like wearing the wrong sized clothes – every movement is a reminder that something is not right. I keep running into myself thinking to see the old me but this changed me is staring back instead.

I have always been a very social person; though private, I really love people. Now the thought of being with them – the noise, the need for extended focus, the physical and mental effort – draws me right back away. Then enters guilt because I had been so involved before. Now, everything I have to give I try to save for my family because the time with my children is short. I don’t have enough left over to share and that is so very difficult to grasp, let alone try to explain.

Art, music, singing, talking with people – these have always been a integral part of who I am, easy…flowing. Now I find myself limited in these precious things and more, restrained by this new reflection I see. I cannot fight it, the consequences have been far too harsh. I can push, but there is always a cost. Deciding when the price is too high has become my great challenge.

So, maybe this is a way to explain myself – an apology for not being here and there like I was before? Maybe I’m trying to let myself off the hook and I’m just about OK with that, which is the strongest thing I’ve done in a long, long time.

DSC_0066

These kind of changes are very hard. Maybe you’re in the middle of something life altering, too. Please, be good to yourself. Push but don’t plunder.

Sometimes pouring out in measure is a greater sacrifice than giving unrestrained.

Beth x

 

 

Advertisements

the right to rest

Standard

Artwork can be forced, but creativity cannot be manufactured. I have tried to do both, failing in spectacular fashion. We are a family that is changed by illness. Why then, am I so hard on myself – expecting so much when we’re already poured out?

So I’ve been fluttering around, trying to find a place to land…P1260827P1260828P1260839P1260836

and it seems some of what I need is right outside the front door…not a flurry of activity in the studio or on the laptop, but

quiet observation.

mindfulness.

filling back up.

If you find yourself in similar circumstances, be kind to you and spend the time necessary  to refocus, recharge and restart. It is of benefit to all.

be encouraged.

a moment to breathe

Standard

Christmas eve crazy – I was in the middle of all the good stuff; the kids and the music, the cooking and the cleaning, lights and movies, Noel, oh well, and fa-la-la…

but I could feel the days and weeks of balancing sickness and celebration catching up with me…my own colours were fading as I poured out in different directions what was necessary and needed. Then I caught a glimpse of the sky from my kitchen window. And just like that, I grabbed my camera and flip-flopped out into a gale to follow the light and colour I saw swirling behind our tree line.P1250692 I kept chasing that ever-changing scene, crossing our flooded stream and holding on to the ground so that I could reach some breath-taking beauty, so that I could breathe in the wild wonder of it for just a few precious minutes…P1250701 I didn’t care about the cold or the mud or the possibility of burning cookies, I needed to be there in that place…P1250715-001to wonder as I wander once again…P1250702

A new year comes in a few short hours…most of us have no idea what it will bring. But just in case it’s crazy and busy and full of things we’ve not planned for, let us not forget to look out our window, to run to beauty – however fleeting – to get our toes in the dirt and feel this life as we live it.

be encouraged

and blessed

in 2016.

 

 

 

 

 

 

on my doorstep

Standard

Walking out my front door I am caught in a moment  – something so beautiful confronts me that I am stilled and silent in the middle of my rushing. Before me is a display of colour and contrast that is overtaking the sky and I am altered by its fleeting light…hushed by its rolling melodies…

P1210612-001

P1210608-001

P1210428-001

P1210610-001

P1210350-001

P1210432-001

P1210339-001

P1210342-001

and my eyes are adjusted to focus further than the clock. and my mind is flooded with colour and possibilities. and my heart feels full.

A photograph cannot capture these moments in their entirety, but maybe they will inspire you to pause and consider your surroundings.

Where is beauty in today? Be encouraged.

when I am scraped thin

Standard

I sit down with a sigh, surveying the landscape that is my studio. Desperate for something to do in this space, yet unable to process my thoughts, I choose to clean my palette, hoping to cleanse my soul in the work…

This always feels like loss to me:

A clearing of  history… removing evidence of the time and process. The good and the bad all lumped together.

All I can see is a mess, because right now I am being sanded and scraped…

Yet I cling…so in true artist fashion, I begin to create something out of that dust, these ashes…

and I see something in it…through the magnifying lens of my camera…

beauty.

flight.

freedom.

and some inspiration for my heart and my work…

If you are in a hard season, may I offer this small portion? Maybe there is some precious treasure to be found even in our valleys.  Be encouraged.

Offerings

Standard

so in this part of the journey where I’m not sure about the road or the marker or even the step to take, my artwork – my creativity and expression – begins to shift. For better or worse (and I hope not worse) it is changing as I ask the question

“What do I have to offer?”

P1180816

I don’t have the complete answer yet and maybe I never will. Because the journey is the offering.  Not everything will be worth keeping, but maybe everything is necessary to get to the next part. Be encouraged.

 

 

a place called home

Standard

Sometimes, you lose your place.

And it can take a while to realize it’s even happened. And then you have to decide to go find it again.

My “place” is on more than one continent. I call two countries Home – America and Great Britain.  Maybe it would be better to say North Carolina and Scotland, because it is their distinct sounds and colours and people that make them home for me. I’ve not had the opportunity to share my Southern side here before, not in photographs, until now.

I found my place again. And now I feel more at home in my own skin. I hope this encourages you to do the same, should you find your heart wandering without good reason. Don’t lose your place.